"Follow Me" - Part Two

Happy Friday friends! Thank you so much for joining me on this little blog of ours. I am grateful you are here. Today I want to continue our quest through John 21 and dive into a topic that I feel is incredibly relevant in western church culture today. As I mentioned in part one of this post, this is an area in my own life that the Lord has been asking me to confront and lay down in recent months. There are things that He has shown me (and that I will share with you) that have required deep heart reflection, correction, and often times repentance. I invite you, as you read this post, to study the scriptures within it. My prayer for us is that we would experience His deep abiding love in the midst of our sanctification. Lets dive in.

I love the friendship of Peter and John in the Gospels. These two men, so radically different from one another and yet both so intimately loved by Jesus have been a source of comfort for me in my walk with the Lord. In reading the Gospels, I feel as though I have a decent idea of who these two men were. They were both so uniquely wired. They both loved Jesus. They both desperately wanted to know and be known by Him. And this is fully conjecture on my part, but I believe they both struggled with competition and comparison. In John's gospel account following the resurrection of Jesus he writes of He and Peter's journey to the empty tomb.

"So Peter went out with the other disciple and they were going toward the tomb. Both of them were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first" John 20:3-4

You will never convince me that there wasn't a healthy dose of brotherly competition between John and Peter for John to include this nearly comical detail in his gospel account of the resurrected Son of God. These two men did life and ministry together for three years with Jesus. They broke bread together, witnessed countless miracles side by side, were in Jesus' inner circle, and yet still fell to the temptation of discussing who was the greatest among them. Throughout their entire journey with Jesus these two men had a front row seat to the majesty, grace, and power of the Messiah and yet still found themselves looking at one another in an effort to gauge where they ranked in eyes of Jesus. The very thing I believe they may have been grappling with in these moments and what I myself wrestle with more often then I care to admit is the topic I want to dive into today - the trap of comparison.

"...And after saying this he said to him "Follow me." Peter turned and saw the disciple who Jesus loved following them, the one who has leaned back against him during the supper and said, 'Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?' When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus 'Lord, what about this man?'" John 21:20-21

This scripture picks up right where we left off in our last post. Jesus had just explained to Peter the way in which he would die for the sake of the gospel and then extended the invitation of a lifetime..."Follow me." Jesus had restored Peter into right standing with Him in front of the other disciples and was now reissuing the same invitation He extended to Peter when He first called him as a disciple. I would venture to say that the invitation probably felt far weightier this time around. At Jesus' first invitation, I would guess that Peter thought he was joining the long awaited Messiah who would overthrow Rome and establish His own kingdom on earth. Peter was likely convinced he would get a front row seat and even a place of honor in the process. However, what Peter has now learned is that Jesus' kingdom is not of this world and, in order to serve him faithfully, it would ultimately mean laying down his own life. When Jesus first extended this invitation Peter and Andrew "immediately left their nets and followed him" (Matthew 4:20, emphasis added). However, when the same invitation is extended here, instead of a resounding yes, Peter turns and looks at John. Peter's initial reaction to this invitation from Jesus was to see how his call measured up to the call of another. Notice how, in order to look at John, Peter had to turn away from Jesus. I realize this may seem like a small detail but to me it speaks volumes. Although we may not consciously realize it, when we turn to look at others in comparison we are making the decision to turn our gaze away from Jesus in that moment.

Have you ever experienced this? You may have found yourself in moments where you feel disappointed with the circumstances God has allowed in your life. You may feel as though others never seem to struggle quite like you do. If you're honest, you may see someone else's success and not only desire it for yourself, but become angry at the Lord for overlooking you. My friend, this is the ugly trap of comparison. If left unaddressed it leads us to places of broken relationships, bitterness, pride, and covetousness. He has a much better way of living for us, I promise.

I have found myself with this heart posture more often than I care to admit. However, the Lord has graciously showed me that, by bringing these things into the light, He is able to fully heal, redeem, and breath life into those hurting places of my heart. Recently the Lord showed me an area of my heart that was bound by comparison. During a particularly busy season for me with work I had all but completely stopped spending one on one time with the Lord. I was physically and mentally stretched thin and had given in to ways of coping that were only digging a deeper hole of exhaustion and self-pity. During this season I was riddled with anxiety and becoming incredibly irritable. Eventually I made the choice to completely shut off emotionally. I built sky high walls in my heart in an effort to control what was allowed in and what was kept far far away. I became a shell of myself. I created false negative narratives about those closest to me. I threw myself a daily pity party about how hard I had it and how easy it must be for others. I viewed those around me in the midst of sweet seasons with the Lord as the "lucky chosen" ones and resigned to the fact that God created me to be a worker bee and nothing more. If I am fully transparent, I made my mind up that I must have done something to push God so far away that He was now unreachable. Although the truth was that God had called me daughter, I was trapped in ways of thinking and behaving as an orphan.

Simultaneously, Adam was in such a sweet season with the Lord. This further fueled my view that God had left me and had other, more faithful children with whom He chose to spend His time. What a lie from the enemy. I'll never forget one day in particular that opened my eyes to the trap of comparison in which I was living. Adam and I met for lunch at a local restaurant. I was particularly tired and irritable, shut off emotionally, and not fully present during our conversation over lunch. However, one moment during our meal hit me like a punch in the gut. As we were eating, Adam began sharing with me about the time he had spent with the Lord that day. Out of nowhere this man began weeping into his rice bowl as he was unpacking the revelation he was having about the grace of God. (Side note: If you know Adam and I personally, you know there is no lack of crying in our home. For those that don't know us, welcome to the family. We are stable I promise, we just feel deeply). As I sat there across from this man that I loved more than anything, watching him weep about the depth and power of the grace of God I was struck by the emotion that welled up inside of me. I was angry. Instead of celebrating with him, I simply sat there, silently fuming. Then the narratives started running through my mind like the ticker on the bottom of a newscast. "God loves him more than he loves you." "You haven't proven to God that you love Him enough for Him to show you those things." "You're not even fit to be Adam's wife. The call on his life is far beyond what you could ever do." "You'll never be enough." You see, I had spent years trying to conjure up enough faith to be good enough for God without ever actually spending time with God. The last few months I had attempted to live off of what God was showing Adam instead of opening the Word myself to see what God would say to me. I had decided that the call on my life wasn't as "spiritual" or "anointed" as Adam's and had resigned to coast through life and do the best I could in my own self effort. But in this moment all of my "unfelt" feelings rushed to the surface and I realized something really jarring - I was genuinely angry that the love of my life was experiencing the powerful love of God. How did I get here?

Not long after this lunch with Adam, I had a few moments with the Lord that fuel a lot of what I am writing about today. Out of pure desperation I found myself in my quiet space with the Lord and realized how unfamiliar it felt at first. I hadn't been here in awhile. The words of my Bible that had jumped off the pages in prior seasons now looked almost faded and out of focus. The silence that had been so comforting felt awkward now.

In all of my effort to erect walls, protect my heart, and shield my mind I had failed to realize that in Him is the safest place I can be. Ever since those initial moments of returning to my alone time with the Lord, He has gently shown me what I was trying so hard to understand during that season. Why did I have so much anger about Adam's experience with the Lord? Why was I constantly disappointed in the season the Lord had me in compared to that of others around me? Why did everything feel so unfair? Over the following months I felt the Lord show me His answer to my questions. I had made idols out of my comparisons. I placed the people to which I compared myself between Him and I and it had clouded my view of Jesus.

Much like Peter when he turned to look at John, I had turned to look at others around me to figure out where I stood instead of looking to Jesus. I had chosen to find my worth in where I perceived myself in the lineup of believers instead of looking into the eyes of Love Himself to find my worth and purpose. Maybe you have experienced similar feelings to the ones I described above. You may find that you measure yourself by how "spiritual" you sound in a room of other believers. You may fight jealousy when your close friend is in a season of excess while the Lord has you hidden for the time being. You may feel as though you will never experience God the same way someone else talks about and you convince yourself you must be broken or forgotten. My friend, as the psalmist writes, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). And "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:16). He sees you. You are not broken. His plan for your life is wonderful and fitted perfectly to how He created you.

This is the trap of comparison. It entices by wooing our pride and inflating our ego. It promises accolades and affirmation but in the end it leaves us secluded, judgemental, and most often insecure in our own striving. It is a tactic from Satan designed to shut us down or tire us to the point of disillusionment. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it makes us believe we have arrived and have no more need for others or worse, no need for Jesus.

But Jesus. His way is always better.

When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus 'Lord, what about this man?' Jesus said to him, 'If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me." John 21:21-22

Here we are again. "Follow me." Up to this moment Jesus had been calling Peter unto Himself in order to live out the fullness of God's plan for his life. And even here, seeing Peter in a moment of weakness, Jesus redirects Peter's gaze by simply saying "Don't worry about him, You follow me." That is the cure for comparison. Look at Him. Our God is a deeply personal and deeply relational God. He wants to know you and be known by you and He has endless capacity for all of us. When we are looking through the lens of comparison we tend to assign motives to the Lord that were never His in the first place. My friend, let me set you free from the lie the enemy perpetrated in my mind for far too long. Just because the Lord loves, delights, and shows Himself to someone else doesn't mean He loves you less. God's blessing on someone else's life doesn't take away from the unique gifts He wants to pour out on you. The light of God that shines through your friend doesn't dim His light inside of you. Here's the coolest part - when two believers stand in unity together, fixated on Him, bursting with His light, and undeterred by the light in the other, it makes the place in which they stand all the brighter!

"Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for 'God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble.'" 1 Peter 5:5

I can't help but wonder if, when Peter was penning his first epistle, his mind wandered back to the way he had given in to comparison with John. Throughout their years of ministry together (which we will dive into in the next post) and after receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit, Peter and John displayed remarkable amounts of humility and unity with one another. Was Peter replaying this transformation of his heart in his mind while writing the above verse? Was he thinking about all of the other disciples in this growing church of Jesus and desperately trying to warn them of the trap of comparison? This is purely my own conjecture, but I believe that may have been the case.

This way of discipleship with Jesus is ultimately a call to deeper and deeper levels of humility. Throughout Jesus' entire dialogue with Peter in John 21 he is gently urging him to consider that He might require something different of him than he does John or the other disciples. David Guzik writes in his commentary on John 21, "Without regard to how Jesus might deal with John or the other disciples, Peter had to decide for himself whether or not he would follow Jesus. This is a challenge for every one of Jesus' disciples." At some point in each of our lives (and some times multiple points) we will come to a crossroad of choosing humility or pride, Christ-centered focus or comparison. Comparison screams "Take the bait! Work harder and strive more and you'll get the best seat in the house. You'll be seen. You'll be important. You'll be known." But Jesus whispers "Will you forsake your agenda for mine, even if it's expressed through another person?" (David Guzik, commentary on 1 Peter 5).

For the one reading who struggles with comparison - you are not alone and you are not broken or forgotten. Jesus' first disciples grappled with this very issue. I have struggled and continue to struggle in this area as well. Jesus sees you, and He isn't deterred by your humanity. As Paul writes, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ " (Romans 8:1). I believe the Lord is inviting us to the lowly places. I think He delights in a humble heart and detests the rat race of comparison His beloved children fall victim to time and time again. That is why He sent Jesus. He is the divine focal point for all who call Him Lord. There is peace for us when our eyes are on Jesus. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you" (Isaiah 26:3). There is safety in following Jesus. "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" (Deuteronomy 31:8). There is strength in walking at His pace. "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength" (Isaiah 40:31). He is everything we need. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:26). Next time you find yourself in the trap of comparison I would encourage you to set your eyes on Jesus, the Word made flesh. When you approach the Bible, the greatest love letter ever penned, with a heart seeking after Him you may find a Man, gentle and lowly, with fire in His eyes who loves you with a love unimaginable to our human heart. Guess what? He wants to be with you. The trap of comparison may be one of the greatest schemes of the enemy to distract us and distort our view of Jesus. I pray that the next time you find yourself wrestling under the weight of comparison you would turn back to Jesus. It wouldn't surprise me if you were met with a loving smile as He whispers the words "Don't worry about them, you follow me."