The Path of Presumption

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where life seems to be going in exactly the opposite direction than you had in mind? Have you ever felt as though you prayed so long and so hard for something you have yet to see come to fruition? If your honest, have you ever felt disappointed about the outcome God chose for you in a given situation? Have you dealt with anger over those very outcomes? Have you ever felt so disillusioned with the circumstances you face that you feel as though all feeling is out the window and you are but a shell of yourself?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions you are not alone. I have felt many of those same aches and frustrations. I have found myself questioning my own sanity, begging God for clarity, and utterly confused at how life was unfolding. For anyone in the same boat, God is the God who sees. He has not left you and the desires of your heart are not lost on Him. For me personally, the Lord has allowed these moments in my life to strip me of my own presumption and invite me into living life surrendered to His will. My friend, there is profound joy to be found in that place of surrender.

I am a textbook Type A personality. Anyone that knows me (especially Adam) would assure you of the deep competitiveness inside me that can't help but bubble up even in a simple game of cards. In work and accomplishments I lean toward perfectionism. In un-health I tend to place unrealistic expectations on myself and others. Most of all, I really really love a good plan. All of these character traits are part of what led me down a path of trying to prove myself to a God I believed to be merit based. Ultimately that path only led to self-righteousness and burnout. See the trouble with this perfectionist mentality is this; at some point I convinced myself that I had done enough to earn the favor, blessing, and answered prayers of this merit based God. I was trying to serve God but I didn't really know God. I would've told you I had a relationship with the Lord but the majority of my prayers looked more like me holding a board meeting before God telling Him about my game plan for the future. In reality, I was unwilling to relinquish any semblance of control out of fear of things not working out the way I wanted. If I'm being honest, in many ways I felt as though God owed me something. Since I had accomplished x, y, and z of "being a good christian" I felt as though it was time for Him to hold up His end of the deal and give me the life I wanted. What a distorted view of our Father. Sorry y'all, welcome to my mess.

The woman described above is the Jordyn without the love and grace and guidance of Jesus. She's a control freak and a worry wart all wrapped into one with a sprinkle of self-righteousness. Thank you Jesus for rescuing me from myself. Now this is in no way to imply I have arrived - far from it. But I do believe the Lord has been gracious enough to me to show me a few of my weak spots so that I am aware when they naturally flare up (which they do, regularly). A few years ago I began a journey that, unbeknownst to me at the time, would lead me down a path of major surrender. It was a season of shedding the character traits that continually put me in the driver's seat instead of God, and a relinquishing of the control I had held with a death grip for the majority of my life. Life is filled to the brim with joy when we hand the keys over to the Creator and allow Him to run point on all things in our lives instead of forcing our own agenda or plan on the one who said "Let there be light."

In 2022, two years after getting married, Adam and I decided we were ready to start a family. We jumped right in to the journey of trying to conceive and the planner in me kicked in to overdrive. I downloaded every app, followed every TTC influencer on Instagram, and surrounded myself with plans and information. I was determined to set us up for quick success and I felt confident we would hold our own baby in our hands in no time. However, that wasn't the plan the Lord had for us. A month went by, then two, then six, then a year, then two years and no baby. Around month six discouragement set in. By the one year mark uncertainty crept in to the hurting places of my heart. By the time we hit the two year mark I was confused, sad, angry, and a whole host of other emotions. I was having a hard time reconciling why this wasn't working out for us the way I had planned. I was battling anxiety, disappointment, and utter heartbreak. My mind was consumed with finding solutions and "getting to the bottom" of why we weren't having any success in starting a family. 

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3-4

You keep him in perfect peace...

This season of my life felt anything but peaceful. It felt out of control, chaotic, and scary. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom. I played babies when it was just me and my mom. Then when my sisters came along they became my own personal baby dolls. I had been training for motherhood since I was still wearing diapers - why wasn't God giving me the desire of my heart? 

One day it hit me - my mind was on everything but God. I was inundated with information, advice from others, and the black hole of the Instagram algorithm. My thoughts were not on the Lord - they were consumed with how to get what I wanted from Him. You see, I had made the presumption that since I was ready to have children that must be God's plan for me as well. Have you ever found yourself in a similar place? Maybe you were asking God for something and it didn't come in the timeline that you imagined. My friend, I think this is a place the Lord takes us in order to beckon us into deeper dependency on Him. He is always the prize - we just need a little perspective shift once in awhile. 

I'll never forget one day Adam and I were praying together and he said something during his prayer that stopped me in my tracks. He was submitting his desire to the Lord for a child and he said something that made my heart beat fast and a lump form in my throat. He said "God, if you never give us a child I still love you, you are still good."  Everything in me wanted to scream. "Take that back! That's not the plan! He is good, we love Him, and we WILL have a child. I don't have to chose one!" That one little statement confronted something massive in the depths of my heart. Did I believe God was good if I didn't get my will for my life? Did I still love Him if I didn't see Him following through with things that I wanted? This moment led me to a place of genuinely searching my heart to find the answers to those questions. I now know that during that season of my life God was allowing me to wrestle with those thoughts because He knew I had created an idol out of my agenda and presumptions. I had placed the child I prayed for in the place of God in my life and in His radical goodness He wanted to restore a right perspective within my heart. He took me to a place of deep surrender where I had to recognize I was never the one meant to be in the driver's seat. He wooed me to a place of overwhelming love and peace in the process.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

If you find yourself in a season of waiting the Lord sees you and He is near. He loves you so much and His plans for your life are far beyond what you could ever imagine. I love this verse in Isaiah. During seasons of waiting it reminds my heart of why His will is always better. A friend of ours was sharing with us about this verse and highlighted the word wait. The Hebrew word for wait here translates "to twist, stretch, or bind together." In our seasons of waiting our Father is literally binding us to Himself. He is stretching us to a place of pressure in hopes that we relinquish control and submit to His will. Friends, take your hurt, worry, and pain in the waiting to Him. He will use your surrender to show you the depth of His love for you and even give you glimpses of His heart toward your situation. He is safe. He is not dragging you along, He just wants to be on the throne of your life and He will not share that place out of His love and protection for you. 

If you're like me and have found yourself telling God how things should work or unfold I am here to encourage you that His way is always better. It might feel painful to relinquish the death grip we have on our plans. It may seem unwise to submit your desires to the Lord and surrender them to His Lordship instead of your own. It could be scary to get in the passenger seat this time and let God take the wheel. My friend, I am incredibly familiar with all of these feelings. They are real and valid and He is not unaware of the struggle. But he does promise to keep you in perfect peace when your mind is stayed on Him. When our eyes are set on Him we will walk and not grow weary. This is a daily, moment by moment choice of discipline. It is not easy, but it is for your good and His glory. When we choose to set our gaze on Love Himself all other things seem to burn off in the process. 

For the one in the midst of waiting, He is near. He has a depth of love for you that you will never be able to understand. He knows the best thing for you this very moment. I encourage you to not miss out on the in between. We are always ready to arrive somewhere or get the thing or see the answered prayer but I believe our God is in the waiting. He is in the quiet yearning. He is in the "not yet" moments. In my experience, those in between moments are the most pivotal, faith building, relational building times with God our Father. He is always leading us unto Him. I know it may seem scary but I invite you to lay your presumptions, agendas, and desires on the altar. The One who knew you before the foundation of the world holds your life in His hands and I promise you, that is the safest place it could possibly be. In the meantime, take the leap of faith and assume the posture of surrender of your own will so that you can become more acquainted with His. It may not be easy but I promise, a death grip on our own plans will never hold a candle to His will being done in our lives. His way is always better and He is worth it, I promise.